How Much Longer?

 Sixteen years living with MS.  Twelve years living a nightmare.  Five years living as a nomad.  Fifteen plus attorneys refuse to help me for one reason or another.  Two years waiting for my marriage miracle to return.  Three major reasons for a scrupulous attorney to lose his license to practice law.  First book wins two national awards.  Zero attorneys willing to assist a grossly wronged innocent, disabled woman.  Four months left for my miracle of the house to come.  No energy left to even think of moving again.  However,…

 

…One big God to fight to clear my name, restore my reputation and show my honor.  Jehovah Nisei is beside me, in front of me, behind me.  Jehovah Jireh will provide for my needs.  El Shaddai will pour out his power over the entire situation.  The Father will avenge me.  The Father will deal with the evil one who had been trying to destroy me.  The Father will stop the lies and reveal the truth.   The Father will bring my prodigal children home to me.  The Father will make a way for me to make settlement on the miracle house He moved us into a year ago.  He continues to hold me close, feed my spirit and remind me that He will provide for all my needs.  All I need to do is trust Him.  He knows the perfect time to deliver, avenge and restore.

Faith Never Gives Up

Faith never gives up.  Through my trials, God wants to show those watching me how he will life me up, seat me in a new place.  Faith is persistent.  "…for truly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you shall say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it shall move and nothing shall be impossible to you." (Matt 17:20)  "The things impossible with man are possible with God."  (Luke 18:27)  "Did I not say to you, if you believe, you will see the glory of God?"  (John 11:40)  "But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear!  Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which he will accomplish for you today: for the Eqyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever.  The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent." (Ex 14:13, 14)   "Trust in the Lord, and do good.  Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.  Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it.  And He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your judgment as the noonday.  Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him." (Ps 37:3-7a)  "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension shall guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  (Phil 4:6)  "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."  (Phil 1:6)

Do I have faith the size of a mustard seed?  Do I trust Jehovah Jireh to provide for me?  Do I know that God will complete the work He began in me when He gave me my children, when He planted me in this place?  Do I know that I am where He has made it clear to me that I am where He wants me?  Do I know that my children will return to me though others keep telling they won't?  Do I know that though man says I am unable to get a mortgage, He can make this happen?

I am struggling.  I am fighting fear, discouragement, MS issues, and doubt that my faith is not what I want it to be.  On one hand, I know I am to be here, that this house is my Bethphage.  On the other, people keep telling me that you have to do this, or that or some other thing that I know that I simply do not have the energy to do, that I am to leave it with The Father.  Why do some Christians want to fill your head with doubt, why only a few want to feed your faith?

The Father keeps bringing me back to the verses I quoted at the beginning.  He knows He needs to keep those verses in front of me.  He knows that I need Him to keep my faith as I am too weak to keep it.  He knows I am too weak, too discouraged, too tired, too frustrated, too out of options to keep going.  He must do these things. He will do them.

Nothing Left

            I have nothing left to use.  I have nothing left to spend.  I have nothing left to fight with.  I have nothing left to my health.  I have nothing left.

I am exactly where God wants me.

Now He can fight for me.  Now He can use me in an even greater way.  Now He can move me into the place He wants me to be, into the place He has been preparing me for, into a place of abundant blessing like I could never imagine.

As Job had said, "If I have never been afflicted I would not have known the glory of God."  How could something be of God and fail?  How could God do such amazing miracles in my life only to have them be taken away?  I continue to cling to the promises of The Father as I wait for resolution of the many things I have been praying for Him to restore; my prodigal children, what had been stolen from me, owning my home.  I also wait for him to deal with the one who had greatly wronged me.

God allowed my problems into my life to birth a passion in me. To grow a passion for Him to use to send me into the purposes He had for me in the past, as well as the ones He has for me in the future.  These problems overwhelm me at times.  There are times when I fear what He has planned for me.  Yes, there are even times when I want Him to take me home to escape them.  I have only begun to describe how hard it has been over the past decade.  There are so many questions that still need answers.  I have nothing left – but my faith.  Now The Father has me out of the way.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those was called according to His purpose."  (Rom. 8:28, NASV)

Patterns and Numbers

            Each of us is made by God to impact those around us in a special way.  He gave each one of us gifts, talents, character traits, interests, and more for us to use in the uniqueness that he made when he created us.  For example, He speaks to me through music, numbers and patterns.  He has made me aware of patterns and numbers as He teaches me to pay attention to things He is doing, shows me what He has done in the world around me, continues to speak to me in the ways He created me to listen as He reveals things to me.

            Last year, 2012, my husband and I turned the age of the year the other was born.  Last year, my son's anniversary day (Christmas Eve) was the same day as it was the year he became my son.  Last year, God allowed me to finally "enter Job 42."  Last year God gave me a car with hand controls, thus giving me back some measure of my independence.  Last year God gave me a home better than the one that had been stolen out from under me.  This tells me that He will make a way to complete the purchase.  These things give me hope that maybe this year will be the restoration of my family as at least one of my children will "come to their senses" and return to me with their children in tow.

            As we entered the last few days of 2012, He reminded me that my number is 5, the number that stands for "grace."  My son and I were both born on the 5th.  My husband and younger daughter were both born on the 16th.  My older daughter was born on my best friend's birthday (30th).  Our daughter's Anniversary Day is the birthday of my father and eldest nephew.  It is also the day that our oldest grandson was born.  Our second grandson was born on our 30th wedding anniversary.  These details all give me great comfort, as well as the promise that God always ends what He begins.  My prodigal children have no way out.  They might as well give up and surrender to The Father's will and stop staying away from the mother with which they were blessed.

"…for the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable."  Rom 11:29 (NASV)